Hey, my friends!
This post is a hard one.
I saw what I wrote for the topic to be in October and thought yikes that’s deep! But it’s so real.
Thinking back on my infertility, thank God I can say thinking back and not sitting in it, thinking back the whole experience was like a ball of hardship. I grew so much, John and I grew so much, I learned to trust when there didn’t seem to be an answer, I learned to fight for myself and for our future children, and I learned that life is just not easy.
I also learned that I’m so lucky to have been blessed by the doctor I have and for the strength and wisdom to do what needed to be done.
With that being said I feel like my hardest moments were not specific moments but just a bundle of moments over time.
I think what I struggled with the most was waking up to go to work every morning. It was like a slap in the face that I wasn’t pregnant or holding a child. This was because John and my plan all along was for me to be a stay-at-home mom and when I would have to go to work each day, it was a reminder that I was not yet a mother.
Something else I struggled with was watching all my friends have their first child, then their second, and sometimes their third or fourth. It was so hard. I was very happy for them but I often felt like why was this happening to me? Why are we the only couple without a child?
Now looking back I wouldn’t trade any of it for the world because we wouldn’t have sweet precious Caroline. And in those moments, watching other couples have children, John and I were able to cling tighter to each other and to the Lord.
I think one of the other hardest moments for me was when my Creighton Practioner said I would need surgery. I’ve said it several times on this blog how difficult that was for me to hear but I really didn’t believe something was wrong inside of me. I felt for a moment like I was different, I wasn’t healthy, I was someone who had something wrong. And now I’m forever grateful that she said that to me. Without the surgery, I wouldn’t have been able to get pregnant.
And something I took away from that experience was compassion for others who are suffering through illnesses or having surgery. It’s not easy to have something wrong or to go through major surgery.
All in all, infertility is a beast that truly can eat away at your heart’s deepest desires but when given to God can be a miracle.
If you do know someone experiencing infertility pray for them. Pray for peace, for confidence, for comfort, for God’s healing, and God’s timing. And reach out to ask how they are doing. And never say they don’t understand because they don’t have children that can be the deepest dagger to the heart.
xo,
holley
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